I’m sitting here in a chair, thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you, but these days I think about you a lot more, that is for a reason. I can’t visit you, I can’t touch you, I can’t kiss you and I really miss you…
I’m on a trip for work and you are at home. I know you are struggling with your own demons but so do I. I need you and I love you. I want you here, I want your love, I want your everything. I want you to text me. I want you to say that you miss me, I want you to say “I love you and I need you.
Yet for the last few days, something changed you became distant and you say it is because you need space and time, but why is she there? Why is she sleeping over? And why are you too busy to text me or even just tell me goodnight? Is it because you moved on? Don’t you miss me as I do? Don’t you love me as I love you? Why don’t you let me help you? Why are you not honest with me? And tell me what is going on?
Is she the one who helps you, who takes care of you now I’m gone? I don’t care that she is1 your friend. That is bot a reason the ignore me.. I need you. I need you here, I need your love…
I will see how things will go on. I still love you and you will always be on my mind even when there is a distance between you and me. It hurts but I hope that distance will be gone soon. I hope to see you soon.
As I may have told you all before I have performance anxiety.
This week it is worse than other times. I make long and hard days at work because we are on exercise in Germany. We must do everything right otherwise the exercise will not be a success. So you understand that it can be hard for someone with performance anxiety.
It is even getting so bad that when someone tells me that I did something wrong that I feel the tears coming and that feeling is so fucking fucked up. It really hurts. It makes me angry at myself at others, frustrated and scared to just do my job. I get nervous and I don’t know what to say. When I think about the mistake again I almost start to cry.
Other people already have forgotten the mistake but I will remember it all day and maybe the whole week.
I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to have these feelings. But how harder I try. How harder the feelings will hit me.
Just leave me and let me do my job.
I work hard and I do my best. Making mistakes is a part of life. That is what I tell myself.
I think I just need to hear it from others but they are busy too. They need to make sure they don’t mess it up.
I try to tell myself that I just need to do what I can and enjoy it. And don’t get me wrong this is a great job. We have must fun and I have a great time.
But the anxiety is so fucking frustrating.
And I have the feeling nobody gets it. Nobody understands why I shut down when someone tells me about that mistake. I wish I could defend myself I wish I could explain myself. But I can’t because I know that I will get stressed and emotional.
But it will get better. I will learn to deal with it and when I find a way I will share it with you.
Last week I was with my team on field training. Those weeks are known for being physical and doing a lot of different things. You will walk a lot you will not sleep that much. You will train the basic military things. I like to do it because that is why I choose to join the army.
I knew the week planing and I knew that we had to do an exercise on the climbing tower. Most people will like it and were very excited about it. But I will tell you this girl is a little bit afraid of heights. So I got all ready nervous about it when I heard we were going to climb in the dark.
My group leader told me that it would be alright. It was okay to be scared. He told the group that he expected from everyone to help each other and don’t laugh because someone was scared. Teamwork that was the keyword.
Then the moment came when we went to the climbing tower. I remembered seeing the tower and I got really nervous because it was higher then I remembered. So my mood was going down. And on the inside, I freaked out a little bit.
We were told that we would abseil the tower. I had never done that before. I climbed the tower and I looked down. I felt the wind in my face and it was so high. When I was on the platform I froze for a little bit my fear got me and I didn’t want to go. Then the instructor who knew I was scared asked me for a demo. I did. He told me and the others what we needed to do. Then he told me to take little steps backward. Suddenly I was at the edge of the tower. I couldn’t go back I had to go down. So I did. When I was over the edge I heard everyone clap. Everyone was so proud that I did it. And I was proud too. I even started to have fun. I did it 2 more times even the instructor told me that I was doing a good job to do it again. I would overcome my fear.
In the end, we needed to do a sort of zip line. It was even higher than the abseil. I stood there again at the platform looking at the zip line. Again I was a little bit scared again because this was also new for me and it was higher. But I knew I needed to do it. “Don’t be a pussy” I told myself. I got attached at the zip line and I was ready to go. I counted 1,2,3 go. And I jumped. I felt the wind in my face again and I even smiled.
I was so proud when I was done. I didn’t let my fear get me. I just did what I had to do and even enjoyed it.
It was a good lesson for me. Sometimes a thing can be so scary and it is okay to feel like that but sometimes you just need to jump into the unknown and you will remember it can be fun!
I have had struggles with myself and with others. Why ? I can blame a lot of things but I don’t want to blame that. I just want to share how it has been for me and how I get along with it. How I deal with it better. ( in other story’s I will tell more about why I have this problems)
My first problems started when I was around 13, when puberty hits you , you can be very scared ,insecure and feel alone. I struggled with talking to others I was not shy but just scared. Mostly when I talked with parents of my friends. I got so nervous that I got small nerves in my face. It was so frustrating because I felt okay. I just couldn’t talk and say what I wanted to say.
New study new challenges
Later I started a new study , it was a study for military education. If I finished that study I could join the military. It was a great study. And I had a lot of fun. I learned a lot about myself as a person because I must do things I had never done. I felt more sure about myself and was happy. I learned how to overcome my fear.And I had not longer struggles at least that is what I thought.
Joining the Military
After my study I joined the Military it was hard sometimes and my struggles came back because I had to do things that where very important to do right. There I discovered that I had performance anxiety. I struggled with easy things like asking someone to help me. Or when I had a problem and didn’t knew what to do I got so scared that I couldn’t function. I cried when there was nothing wrong. It took me so much power to do my job right.
Dealing with it
Until one day, I had a good talk with a co-worker he explained that he understand what was going on with me, and told me that his wife had the same problems. He told me that it is okay to feel like this. My biggest problem was what others thought of me , but I needed to look to myself not at a negative way but at a positive way. Ask yourself what you did good. And not what you did wrong. And focus on the good things.
I did, I became more sure about what I was doing and when something when good I was happy with myself, when something went wrong I asked myself why are you feeling like this everyone makes mistakes, get up and try again, you can do it.
How is it going now.
Ofcourse sometimes I have a break down again, but not that much as earlier. I don’t run away from tasks anymore. I tell myself try it. It is okay to make mistakes. I ask help if I am insecure, because I now know that people like to help me. And I became better at my job and at my social skills. I can now talk infront of a group without getting scared. I can do a lot things better. because of a little talk with a co-worker.
Some advice for you
If you feel like this sometimes. Then all I can say is it will get better. try to tell yourself that it is okay to feel like this sometimes. But try to let the bad feelings go. Talk to others about how you feel. Maybe they can help you when you feel unsure. Others will be there for you. You don’t need to do everything perfect. Because nobody can. It is okay to make mistakes, but try to learn from it !