Distance

I’m sitting here in a chair, thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you, but these days I think about you a lot more, that is for a reason. I can’t visit you, I can’t touch you, I can’t kiss you and I really miss you…

I’m on a trip for work and you are at home. I know you are struggling with your own demons but so do I. I need you and I love you. I want you here, I want your love, I want your everything. I want you to text me. I want you to say that you miss me, I want you to say “I love you and I need you.

Yet for the last few days, something changed you became distant and you say it is because you need space and time, but why is she there? Why is she sleeping over? And why are you too busy to text me or even just tell me goodnight? Is it because you moved on? Don’t you miss me as I do? Don’t you love me as I love you? Why don’t you let me help you? Why are you not honest with me? And tell me what is going on?

Is she the one who helps you, who takes care of you now I’m gone? I don’t care that she is1 your friend. That is bot a reason the ignore me.. I need you. I need you here, I need your love…

I will see how things will go on. I still love you and you will always be on my mind even when there is a distance between you and me. It hurts but I hope that distance will be gone soon. I hope to see you soon.

We are normal (homophobic comment)

I have found love for the first time. She is my first girlfriend. It all new for me and that is alright I need to learn how to love. I need to learn how it feels to be loved. But I love it. I love everything.

Also new for me is to be together out in public with her. We are both girls and for some people, this still can be an issue and that makes me sad but it’s the truth. In fact, I have experienced some homophobic comments for the first time in my life this weekend…

My girlfriend and I like to swim and of course, sometimes you get a little touchy because the two of you are in love. I always pay attention that it doesn’t become that sticky. We just hug we just give little kisses just like the straight people do. We just act like straight people do when they are in love. Im aware that people will stare I get used to it. It doesn’t matter when she’s with me I feel loved.

Things changed when we stood in line for the waterslide. My girlfriend and I were talking. I had my arm around her. She said something cute so I give her a little kiss. Suddenly I heard a man behind us “can we just act normal ” with an angry strict voice. I looked behind me. At first, I thought it was not about us. Until I saw the eyes of the man cross mine. He looked at us full of hate.

I can’t explain what I felt then so many mixed emotions went through my body… I went from angry to very emotional I wanted to confront him I wanted to run but most of all I felt sad and felt the tears fill up my eyes. I stood there and looked at him with tears in my eyes I, wanted him to know that he had hurt me. But he just continued to look me straight in the eye with anger.

My girlfriend talked to me. “Just ignore him, he is not worth it, let him be” She has experienced homophobic comments before so you can say she is “used” to it. I kept my arm around her. I heard the man say ” they are not listening, they are just not listening” he was talking to his children or at least I think they were. And all I can think of is. Why did he jell at us? Why? Nobody had a problem. We did nothing wrong. Why didn’t he just looked away and mind his own business? What if his daughter turned out to be gay what would he say then? It’s so sad…

Luckily we got out of this situation but I couldn’t enjoy myself anymore. Everywhere we swam I looked for him. Afraid that he would yell at us again. So my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to leave. And yes I wanted. He had ruined our swimming trip and it is sad that it had happened…

Luckily we sit had a good time when we left the swimming pool. So our day wasn’t completely ruined.

I got so emotional. And this was just words. I can’t imagine that people need to deal with a lot worse homophobic comments or even violence… it just so sad.

We acted normally. The only person who didn’t act normal was him. And I need to learn how to deal with those people so they can’t hurt me again.

Missing you is something I don’t want to.

It’s been a while since I saw you. The last time when I saw your face was not the best time. I saw the pain in your eyes or at least I hope it was pain.. because all I felt was pain. The pain of knowing that I will be going to miss you. The pain of realizing that you will be gone for a while.

I hate to miss you, I don’t want to miss you. I want you here with me. I need you… even when it is not the best thing to want.

I walk around looking for you. But you are not here. You have left this place and left me. It is okay you needed to move on. It was for the best. Even for me… a new start a new story for you and for me but I will miss our story. Our story became so important to me. Our story has come to an end but it is okay even when I will miss it so much. It is for the better.

However, I miss you every day. I betray myself that I mention to you when I talk with people. I feel happy when I mention you. Just keep the memories of you alive. It is just like you are here with me when I talk about you.

But you are not..

You have your own life again. We have been through so much together. Our story has ended. For now. And all I do is missing you even when I don’t want to.

I realize we will see each other again. Al I can think of is that I will go to miss you every time you will walk away. Something I don’t want to.

Drunk love

It’s been going on for a little while now. Every time when we get out for a drink we get drunk and we kiss. Or we do more. But only when we are drunk. Why? Because it is drunk love?

Not for me. It is more than drunk love. I start to get real feelings for you.

I see you. You see me. I try to get close to you. We have that little moment. We touch, we get closer, we kiss, we love, we feel, we are one. But also the alcohol is a part of that situation.

You only act like this when you are drunk. Are you scared when you are sober? I’m not? But I’m waiting for you. Because I don’t know what to do.

I know it is scary to admit our feelings for each other. We don’t want to mess things up. At least I don’t want this to end.

I wish we could do it without alcohol. Will that time come one day?

Or will we forever be drunk in love?

Why do we act like this?

Do you know how that moment changed everything for me? For us? It is not the same anymore since we share that kiss. Don’t get me wrong I liked it.

No, I loved it. And I loved that it was not or only kiss not or only moment together. Because we did more it’s like we are together but we are not.

I like you but I don’t know if you like me. The one moment I think. “Yes, she does” but then I hear you speak about him. And I break every time you say his name.

Why do we act like this? I asked you the last time you came over after, you kissed me again. You smiled and said. “Because I like it and it is nice”

But it is more than nice to me. Why do you act like you like me when we sit together. We sit so close to each other. And I don’t like it when those moments come to an end.

Why do we act like a couple when you don’t want it? Or do you want to be a couple? I want it. That’s for sure.

We act so differently but still, it feels so good to have those moments with you. Our little secret. But it drives me crazy. To not know what you feel.

Maybe I know the answer already. Maybe I don’t want to know it. But what if you do like me. Please be honest one day.

Or do I need to be honest? I’m scared. Are you scared too?

Scared for what this is between us?

Is that why we act like this?

Mixed feelings

You left me with these mixed feelings. I see that you were having a hard time. And I asked, “what was wrong?”

And what I then heard changed everything. You didn’t cheat on me. Because that isn’t possible but you did betray my feelings. You know I’m in love with you. And you know that she is a good friend of mine. It hurt do you understand? You will I know…

I can’t be angry with you I can’t be angry with her. Why? Because you did nothing wrong. You two like each other and that is okay. But I’m the one with the broken heart. I need some time but I will still be there for the two of you.

You know that I care about you. And I will not leave you you are still my friend and will be. I’m not angry. I was a little bit but you don’t deserve that.

You did nothing wrong.

And you know that. I know that. But I have these mixed feelings about this situation. I will get over you one day and maybe this helps. You told me the truth and I am happy with it but still, I’m a little bit sad.

I still like you.

But this makes our friendship stronger. You know it. I know it.

I am happy that there are no more secrets. But still, I will have these mixed feelings when I see you again.

“Why do you like me?”

We drove at the highway to get dinner. I always love driving with you. The music the fun we make just the two of us. I love these moments. You were already a little drunk. Of course, I was sober because I drove the car. I looked at you and saw you being so happy. I smiled because I always smile at you. You saw me. And asked why I smiled. I told you that I didn’t know. But I knew why I did it because I am in love with you.

You looked at me and all of the sudden you asked me. Why do you like me? I was shocked we never talked about my feelings for you because you don’t feel the same. I saw that you regretted what you asked. And you said that you were sorry.

I told you not to be sorry and that it is okay. I answered:

I like you so much because you are yourself. And I’m so sad that you don’t notice that you are so beautiful, nice, sweet and funny. That is what I told you. But words can’t explain why I like you so much.

I know it’s hard when you have a friendship like this. The feelings will stay. But lucky we have found a way to still be good friends. And little talks like this makes it even better to deal with it. And it will make our friendship stronger. Even when I still love you…

What do you think?

What do you think about me?

I know what I think about you. You are beautiful and you are special, you are kind.

What do you think when you see me? Do you also get those happy feelings?

What do you think when you smile at me?

I smile at you for a reason because I love you. And I hope you will see that you make me smile. That smile is for you. A smile because I like you.

What do you think when we touch? Or kiss or talk or just sit next to each other?

I don’t know what you think. All I know is my own feelings. My feelings for you are real. But do you think the same?

The moments we kiss. Are one of the best moments. I don’t want it to stop. The feelings of your hands against me. That moment before the kiss. You staring at me. I look into your beautiful eyes and all I think is you are so beautiful.

That little smile you give me when we look at each other in the eyes. I feel your lips against mine. And I feel your warmth.

I love it. I don’t want this to stop. Because I don’t know what you will think.

All I can think is when well be our next kiss? When will be our next touch? When will you smile at me again?

Do you think about me when you can’t sleep? I do, but do you?

I will never know what you think.

But I hope someday you will tell me what you think about me.

Why does it hurt so much?

I sit here and I have you on the phone. Something is wrong, you are sad I hear your voice break over and over again when you speak to me.

You said you wanted to tell me something but you can’t. You don’t want to hurt me… We have been here before. You said the same words to me. You can’t tell me. And you leave me wondering what is wrong.

Not this time. This time you said that you will explain everything to me and you did…

I listen to you and I hear you say… “We kissed.. ” “not once but a few times” “and we have slept with each other one time”

I hear the words in my head “we kissed” “we kissed” “we kissed” and all went black. It hurts it really hurts…it felt like everything in my life wasn’t real for a moment.

I know you have never loved me back. We were just friends but you knew I loved you. That is why you didn’t want to tell me this. But you also knew that I already knew about you and her.

It all makes sense now. All those times I saw you with her. That little touch you give her, that smile you give her, the flirty comments you give her. I wished you did that with me but you never loved me back. You already told me. And I knew…

I knew this would happen. But why does it hurt so much?

I have you on the phone. And I tell you that everything is going to be alright. But she doesn’t know that I have never been so hurt in my life.

I want to move on

I want to I really want to move on. Because you don’t love me. And you will never do. That is what you said to me when I was on my weakest.

I thought this will be the moment the moment I can forget you and be happy with someone else. But it turns out that she is also just trying to move on. And she failed just like me. She didn’t choose me. Just like you didn’t choose me. I failed to move on. And there you are again. I can’t move because you are in my head again.

I tried to date someone else. But it is not fair. When you try to love someone but want to be with you.

I can’t make myself fall in love with someone else. I can’t make you love me. Even when that is the only thing I want.

They all say you are so kind, you are so sweet. But that is all I will ever hear. Even from you. But is that true?

I try to move on. I really do. But it doesn’t help me if you don’t want me to. It seems like you miss me. It looks like you want me. But the truth is you don’t want me. You only miss the attention. And it stops me from moving on.