Distance

I’m sitting here in a chair, thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you, but these days I think about you a lot more, that is for a reason. I can’t visit you, I can’t touch you, I can’t kiss you and I really miss you…

I’m on a trip for work and you are at home. I know you are struggling with your own demons but so do I. I need you and I love you. I want you here, I want your love, I want your everything. I want you to text me. I want you to say that you miss me, I want you to say “I love you and I need you.

Yet for the last few days, something changed you became distant and you say it is because you need space and time, but why is she there? Why is she sleeping over? And why are you too busy to text me or even just tell me goodnight? Is it because you moved on? Don’t you miss me as I do? Don’t you love me as I love you? Why don’t you let me help you? Why are you not honest with me? And tell me what is going on?

Is she the one who helps you, who takes care of you now I’m gone? I don’t care that she is1 your friend. That is bot a reason the ignore me.. I need you. I need you here, I need your love…

I will see how things will go on. I still love you and you will always be on my mind even when there is a distance between you and me. It hurts but I hope that distance will be gone soon. I hope to see you soon.

Questions.

I have so many questions. Questions about you. Questions about us. Questions about you with her. I will never get the answers to these questions. I can ask you but it hurts too much.

Since that night. Since I saw you with her I knew everything was going to be different. I broke…I have never felt so much pain before. I saw you looking at me, I will never forget the look you gave me. I saw in your eyes that you wouldn’t want this the happen. But it happened. It was okay for you to do it. But I hoped you were honest about it. So I didn’t need to betray you.

You did not cheat. We were not a couple. But I loved you. I still love you. After all, this fucked up things we are still best friends.

Yet, I think about all the times you hurt me. It is okay. I need to progress it. I forgive you. You know. You are still my best friend.

Still, I have those questions. It hurts to see her. It hurts to think about you and her. It hurts to not have you here with me. Why did you do it? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie? Why her and not me?!

I will never get the answers to these questions. But I can answer it myself. You protected me. The answer to these questions is:

You didn’t want to see me hurt.

But still you hurted me. But I forgive you!

And I still love you.

All about you

A lot of my stroys are about you. In this way, I can speak to you. I write down all my feelings the feelings I can’t explain to you.

We joked about it. In a text you asked me one day. “have you ever wrote a love story about me?” I tried to change the subject. But why? This was the time to tell you about the things I wrote.

So I did. I send you a love story. A love story about you.

I was terrified when you read it. I patiently waited for your reaction. And once you did my heart skipped a beat.

“It is beautiful,” you said. Do you have more? I want to read more. Is this all the truth? Is this how you really feel? Yes, I said. All that I write is about you.

You don’t love me. And that’s okay. But now I know you understand my feelings. You know why I can react unusual or angry or sad. You understand because you have read it.

And I’m so happy I opened up about it to you.

Because it makes things so much easier to talk about.

Because all I write is about you. And I will still write about you

Missing you is something I don’t want to.

It’s been a while since I saw you. The last time when I saw your face was not the best time. I saw the pain in your eyes or at least I hope it was pain.. because all I felt was pain. The pain of knowing that I will be going to miss you. The pain of realizing that you will be gone for a while.

I hate to miss you, I don’t want to miss you. I want you here with me. I need you… even when it is not the best thing to want.

I walk around looking for you. But you are not here. You have left this place and left me. It is okay you needed to move on. It was for the best. Even for me… a new start a new story for you and for me but I will miss our story. Our story became so important to me. Our story has come to an end but it is okay even when I will miss it so much. It is for the better.

However, I miss you every day. I betray myself that I mention to you when I talk with people. I feel happy when I mention you. Just keep the memories of you alive. It is just like you are here with me when I talk about you.

But you are not..

You have your own life again. We have been through so much together. Our story has ended. For now. And all I do is missing you even when I don’t want to.

I realize we will see each other again. Al I can think of is that I will go to miss you every time you will walk away. Something I don’t want to.

Why does it hurt so much?

I sit here and I have you on the phone. Something is wrong, you are sad I hear your voice break over and over again when you speak to me.

You said you wanted to tell me something but you can’t. You don’t want to hurt me… We have been here before. You said the same words to me. You can’t tell me. And you leave me wondering what is wrong.

Not this time. This time you said that you will explain everything to me and you did…

I listen to you and I hear you say… “We kissed.. ” “not once but a few times” “and we have slept with each other one time”

I hear the words in my head “we kissed” “we kissed” “we kissed” and all went black. It hurts it really hurts…it felt like everything in my life wasn’t real for a moment.

I know you have never loved me back. We were just friends but you knew I loved you. That is why you didn’t want to tell me this. But you also knew that I already knew about you and her.

It all makes sense now. All those times I saw you with her. That little touch you give her, that smile you give her, the flirty comments you give her. I wished you did that with me but you never loved me back. You already told me. And I knew…

I knew this would happen. But why does it hurt so much?

I have you on the phone. And I tell you that everything is going to be alright. But she doesn’t know that I have never been so hurt in my life.

Dream

Last night I dreamed about you. It was not like the other dreams I always have about you. This one was different. This one really stays on my mind.

We were sitting in the grass. I was leaning against you with your arms around me. It felt safe. I felt loved. I was happy. The sun was shining and I looked at you. You smiled at me. You seemed happy. I felt your warmth and I didn’t want it to end.

But it did. I woke up.

Now I think about it all day. That dream was so pure it felt so real. That dream is what I want to happen. That dream is all I want. I want you. I want to feel that moment. SoI don’t have to dream about it anymore. I don’t have to be afraid to wake up and miss you anymore. I want that dream to be real.

But it will forever be a dream.

I don’t want to be in love with you.

Being in love feels good. It is wonderful to be in love and it feels so good when I’m with you. It is the greatest feeling I have ever felt. But still, I don’t want to feel it for you.

You don’t love me back. You don’t see me as I see you. You don’t care about me as I do for you. You don’t want to spend time with me like I want to be with you every minute of the day. You don’t think about me as I think about you. You don’t lay awake in the night thinking about me. Like I do because of you.

You don’t need me as I need you.

You don’t love me and I can’t make you fall in love with me.

You can’t choose the person you fall in love with but if I could I would not choose to love you. It would make things so easier for us. It wouldn’t hurt that much to not have you. I would be alright. And we could have an easy friendship.

Now I’m trying every day to let you go. Try to move on. When you are gone for a while I tell myself this is the moment to let you go. Get over you. I will miss you and from the moment I will see you again I will fall so hard for you again.

I will do anything for you.

But the only thing I want is to get over you. I don’t want to love you

but still, I do

Disappointment

I hate to get disappointed, but sadly it is a part of my life. A part of everybody’s life. I try not to be too excited about things because I know I can get disappointed. But still, this feeling gets me every time of my feet.

Today I got disappointed again. I was looking forward to it from the moment we set the date. I was happy and all I could think about was that. But things turned out different and it won’t happen today. So now I feel empty, sad and disappointed.

I know it is not your fault it is not my fault things happens sometimes and we will go another time but still, I hate this feeling.

I’m afraid when something really matters to me will turn out different, like today. I needed this day, you know that. Again it is not your fault.

But it happens a lot to me.

And again I got disappointed.

I want to move on

I want to I really want to move on. Because you don’t love me. And you will never do. That is what you said to me when I was on my weakest.

I thought this will be the moment the moment I can forget you and be happy with someone else. But it turns out that she is also just trying to move on. And she failed just like me. She didn’t choose me. Just like you didn’t choose me. I failed to move on. And there you are again. I can’t move because you are in my head again.

I tried to date someone else. But it is not fair. When you try to love someone but want to be with you.

I can’t make myself fall in love with someone else. I can’t make you love me. Even when that is the only thing I want.

They all say you are so kind, you are so sweet. But that is all I will ever hear. Even from you. But is that true?

I try to move on. I really do. But it doesn’t help me if you don’t want me to. It seems like you miss me. It looks like you want me. But the truth is you don’t want me. You only miss the attention. And it stops me from moving on.