The biggest question I asked myself

Am I gay?

Foto door Lisa Fotios op Pexels.com

That is the question a lot people ask themself one day but for me it was not just a question anymore is was a development.

I was around 12/13 years old , I sat in the second class of high school (Netherlands school system) and I became friends with a girl , we became really good friends. But I wondered why I liked her so much. I wanted to be around her all the time and when she was not around I got sad. Ofcourse that is why you are friends right? But is it only friendship or was it more? That is what I asked myself all the time when I was with her.

Me gay?That was not possible. I had been in love with boys, right? Or was it just me telling meself that I was? Was it love or was it just because people told me”that boy is cute” or ”that boy seems to like you”. I was just acting like everyone was , I was acting straight and I liked boys…

But my feelings for this girl got stronger with the day, I told myself ”neh you are not gay you just admire her a lot” ”but isn’t that not something for famous people like: Kristen Steward or Emma Watson. Thoose I really admire.” ”So what they are female but im not gay? Right?”

Or am I ?
This thoughts were going on for a while, and finally I accepted that is was love what I felt for this girl, but only for her right? I was still in dinail that I was possible gay. I was only in love with this girl and I will not fall in love with other girls.

But when I walked to the hallways on school a caught myself staring at other girls. Also on tv in the city everywere. And then I knew it after a good talk with myself.

I AM GAY!

It took a while for me to accept the fact that I was gay, but I was. I couldn’t change that fact. This is me. Now I am really proud. I have not always been that proud , I have hide it in the beginning but after I told my best friend. I felt safe to be openly gay.

Foto door Rosemary Ketchum op Pexels.com

“Girlfriend”

This is a story about what happend a few years ago.

One day I was shopping with my best friend( a girl) and another friend. (a boy).

Because I like boy clothes we where on the men’s department, I wanted to try a blouse, I did it on and I came out the dressing, I asked to my best friend what she thought about it, because I care about what her opinion is

The girl who worked there looked at us with a look of’’ this two girls are together what cute’’ She wanted to help us and acted as she was helping a couple, she asked my friend what do you think about it. Does it look good at her and stuff like that.

After I had bought the blouse we leaved, we laughed because we aren’t together.But maybe for some people it looks like we are a couple. Then we came with an idea, what would people do if we where holding hands? So we did. We walked in the town holding hands, we saw that a few people (mostly men) stared at us, one time a group of men walked pass us, and our other friend told us that he looked over the shoulder and pointed at us.

When we needed to wait for the traffic light a girl looked at us and saw that we where holding hands.She gave us a great big smile , a smile like’’ Awwh it is brave that you two are proud and let others show that you two are together’’ You saw that she was totally accepting.

What I want to say, even when me and my best friend weren’t together as a real couple, I want to say to you that you shouldn’t be afraid to hold hands with your girl , be proud that you walk next to her. People will stare, but so what?, at the same time there will always be people like that girl by the traffic lights , people who will not care and even be friendly to you ! You are just as normal as a straight couple. So don’t hold back, if you want to hold hands do it.

The biggest question I asked myself

Am I gay?

That is the question a lot people ask themself one day but for me it was not just a question anymore is was a development.

I was around 12/13 years old , I sat in the second class of high school (Netherlands school system) and I became friends with a girl , we became really good friends. But I wondered why I liked her so much. I wanted to be around her all the time and when she was not around I got sad. Of course that is why you are friends right? But is it only friendship or was it more? That is what I asked myself all the time when I was with her.

Me gay?That was not possible. I had been in love with boys, right? Or was it just me telling myself that I was? Was it love or was it just because people told me”that boy is cute” or ”that boy seems to like you”. I was just acting like everyone was , I was acting straight and I liked boys…

But my feelings for this girl got stronger with the day, I told myself ”neh you are not gay you just admire her a lot” ”but isn’t that not something for famous people like: Kristen Steward or Emma Watson. Those I really admire.” ”So what they are female but im not gay? Right?”

Or am I ?
This thoughts were going on for a while, and finally I accepted that is was love what I felt for this girl, but only for her right? I was still in denial that I was possible gay. I was only in love with this girl and I will not fall in love with other girls.

But when I walked to the hallways on school a caught myself staring at other girls. Also on tv in the city everywere. And then I knew it after a good talk with myself.

Foto door Hamann La op Pexels.com

I AM GAY!

It took a while for me to accept the fact that I was gay, but I was. I couldn’t change that fact. This is me. Now I am really proud. I have not always been that proud , I have hide it in the beginning but after I told my best friend. I felt safe to be openly gay.

Foto door Rosemary Ketchum op Pexels.com

Coming out to my dad

I was already out to my friends and at school but I did not told my dad that I liked girls. I was just to afraid.

One time I talked with a friend who saw that I was not doing well. She asked what was going on and I told her that I wanted to be myself at home and not wanting to hide anymore. We talked about it and finally I had the guts to tell my dad that I was gay.

I said to myself okay I tell it with dinner but I was to afraid what if he doesn’t accept it. So I waited for dessert but still I was to scared. Okay I will tell him when he is watching tv. So normally I spend my evening computering at that time. But not this time. I sat down with my father who was watching the news.

I was so nervous. I did not talk for an hour. But I told myself I need to tell him. I need to otherwise I can’t be myself and I want to.

So I took a deep breath and said “dad I like girls” but he did not answered me. So I started to cry. Then my dad looked at me and said:”It is okay I already knew”

And he tottaly accepted me. And I am lucky for that.

What is your coming out story?

How it was to be in the closet (part 2)

In my earlier stroy you could read about my hiding my sexuality from others read here part 1

Here is part 2.

Is was still not out to everyone at school only some friends knew about it.

And it was hard for me to be open about it to some people and not to everyone but still I wanted to keep it a secret for a while.

One time I sat with a friend and I was a little bit sad because I had been in a fight with my then love interest. So my friend asked what wad wrong. I said that I had a fight. She asked my why. I told her that I couldn’t tell her.

I didn’t knew why I wouldn’t tell her that I wad gay. I think I was just to scared to lose her as a friend. We talked a little bit and then she asked if I maybe was in love with her and if I was gay.

I freaked out because she got it right. I n panick I told her that it was not true. So we moved on. Then she asked who that girl was on my backscreen of my phone. I had a wallpaper of a beautiful girl because I liked the way she looked. I just told her that it was a youtuber I liked. And stil I don’t know why I didn’t told her that I was gay. I had the change so why not?

I think she already knew but just wanted to hear it from me in person. After a few months I just told her. She accepted me and we are still friends.

All those strugles I had with being in the closet was for nothing because she still accepted me. Sometimes you are just to scared. But that is okay!

“Girlfriend”

This is a story about what happend a few years ago.

One day I was shopping with my best friend( a girl) and another friend. (a boy).

Because I like boy clothes we where on the men’s department, I wanted to try a blouse, I did it on and I came out the dressing, I asked to my best friend what she thought about it, because I care about what her opinion is

The girl who worked there looked at us with a look of’’ this two girls are together what cute’’ She wanted to help us and acted as she was helping a couple, she asked my friend what do you think about it. Does it look good at her and stuff like that.

After I had bought the blouse we leaved, we laughed because we aren’t together.But maybe for some people it looks like we are a couple. Then we came with an idea, what would people do if we where holding hands? So we did. We walked in the town holding hands, we saw that a few people (mostly men) stared at us, one time a group of men walked pass us, and our other friend told us that he looked over the shoulder and pointed at us.

When we needed to wait for the traffic light a girl looked at us and saw that we where holding hands.She gave us a great big smile , a smile like’’ Awwh it is brave that you two are proud and let others show that you two are together’’ You saw that she was totally accepting.

What I want to say, even when me and my best friend weren’t together as a real couple, I want to say to you that you shouldn’t be afraid to hold hands with your girl , be proud that you walk next to her. People will stare, but so what?, at the same time there will always be people like that girl by the traffic lights , people who will not care and even be friendly to you ! You are just as normal as a straight couple. So don’t hold back, if you want to hold hands do it.

How it was to be in the closet (part 1)

I am out for like 6 years now and sometimes I think about how it was to be in the closet, so here is part 1 of me hidding my sexuality.

I had a blog on Tumblr you know that platform where a lot of naked photos are shown, I was openly gay on there but not in real life. I blogged everyday, also in the bus at school and of course at home.

Everywhere I checked out cute gay girls on tumblr, but every time somebody was around I was hell nervous. I put down my phone and waited for them to go away.

I remember how I sat everyday at my pc in the living room, where my parents also sat, sometimes my (now ex)step mother walked behind me to look on my screen I always had a double page with facebook or youtube so I could switch screens when she walked up to me.

Also I was a big fan of the L word, and for those people who don’t know what it is there is a lot of lesbian sex in it, but it is also very funny sometimes, one time my dad asked why are you laughing and I was like ‘’nothing’’. He said “no tell me”
In my head it was like “eum im laughing because these lesbian woman are so awesome and gay and sexy and hot and I love them and I love this gay series dad im hella gay so yeah that is why I laugh” But I told him this. ‘’Somebody felt” I didn’t knew what to say I freaked out, and he looked at me like wtf is wrong with you, I have such a weird daughter.

But now im out and I watch everywhere gay stuff and it doens’t bother me anymore what people think. So yeah if you are not out and know how this feels. There will come a time that you dont have to hide it anymore.

Do you have a funny story when you where still in the closet?

how to deal with loving your best friend (same-sex)

Here is some advice on how to deal with being in love with your best friend, I am not going to say that you must do what I say, this is just some advice and maybe it can help you a little bit. Situations like this can be difficult and is for everyone different but maybe you have something about this.

I have been in love with a few friends of mine, some friends I don’t talk to anymore because of it. But with some friends I became closer because of it.
It is hard to be in love with your friend because you don’t want you ruin the friendship. You don’t want anything to change but also you want something to change, you want her.and that can be really hard. Mostly when you know she isn’t into you.

But how do you deal with it?

I will tell you two story’s about how I did deal with it,they are different from each other and I just want to share it.

story one: I felt in love with my best friend of that moment. We were really close and I realized that I was gay in that time. I did nothing with my feelings. But one day she told my that she wanted to kiss a girl. And it just happened. We had a secret relationship on and of for two years. But I had not told her that I was in love. For her it was just experimenting. At least that is what she told me. But one day I told her that I liked her. That I was in love with her. She got angry and we never hooked up again.

I just told her that I liked her, she didn’t feel the same because she was not straight or at least she was not ready to come out, I don’t know it and I will probably never know because I don’t talk to her anymore.
But what I wanted to say is this : I just told her how I felt and that really felt good because it was not a secret anymore.

Story two: I’m in love with my co-worker who is my best buddy at work. She is married to a woman and she has a child.I knew it would not happen. But still I felt in love with her.I started to have feelings for her a long time ago but she didn’t knew it until last year. Something happened we got in a fight and I tried to talk it out. We texted each other and I asked why we had a fight, she told me that she was tired of me not telling what is going on with me. And I asked what she meant. She said: ”You are in love with me. ” And then I knew I needed to be honest to her, I couldn’t lie anymore. So I said: yes I am but I don’t want this to change our friendship.” but sadly it did. She couldn’t handle me being in love with her for a while. We talked and talked and things got better. And now we are closer then before and even make fun about it, even when I am still on love with her. She knows that, but still is my friend.

Some advice

It doesn’t matter in what situation you are, it still is hard to express your feeling towards someone you care of, especially when it can change things between the two of you. But try to keep on. Try to figure out if she maybe likes you. And if you don’t know it at all and you feel okay about it try to tell her anyway. Even when you are scared. She is your best friend and that is for a reason. It came out in this two stories, in one it did not end well, even when things were good at the beginning, and in the other story it started of wrong but now things are good. So all I want to say is. Try to express yourself, tell your feeling but also listen to what she has to say about it. And accept that she maybe doesn’t feel the same. But that does not mean that you can’t be friends anymore. Maybe things will get hard, when she likes someone else and you feel jealous but try to let it go and enjoy her happiness. Because that is important right when you love someone. You want her to be happy.

Friendship is important it can be strong. So try to overcome whatever is going on. If you two are good friends your friendship will survive this.

Things to remember when trying to figure out if you are gay

Hello, I have struggeled for a while with my sexuality. I know now who I am I did it by myself and that is hard. Later on I learned about it more. So Here are a few tips that maybe can help you 🙂

Take your time

-sometimes it just takes a while to understand your feelings. This is maybe new for you and can be scared but that is okay. It is okay to not know it right know. Give yourself time to figure things out. Don’t make yourself carzy. Feelings can be confusing but allow yourself to feel.

Listen to yourself

-Don’t let others tell you it is a phase. Don’t let others tell you that you just haven’t found the right person. Don’t do someting you don’t feel okay with. Listen to yourself and discover things you only want to discover yourself not because someone told you to do it. You are the boss of your own feelings.

Feelings can change that doesn’t mean it was a phase

-Everything you feel is real. It is you emotion and that. And feelings are fluid. Maybe you feel love for the same sex one day and the other day nothing. That are feelings and feelings can change but it doens’t mean that they where not real.

It’s okay to wait

– Maybe you know for yourself who you are but will you keep it too yourself for a while. That’s okay. Tell people when you are ready and feel safe. Also it is okay the tell people that you aren’t sure yet. But just want some support from them.

Be proud

-It doesn’t matter if you are still in the closet or have a little crush on someone of the same-sex or are openly gay. Be proud! Be proud of yourself no matter what. Be proud of what you allready have done. And don’t let other people tell different. You are who you are and that is what all matter.

And remember you are not alonem if things are getting hard. Try to find help. With your friends, family and if that is not possible theb internet is you best friend! 🙂

Handball ,old memories and coming out.

Today after 2 years I played handball again with my old team. After 16 years I quit handball because I couldn’t combine it with work and my personal life. I was a goalkeeper. But I got a call from my old coach if I would join the team for one time. And I was in for that, because I miss it a lot.


It was fun to play with the old team, and we even won. It was a good game.
It did let me remember of the good old times and the time I came out to my team.

I was al ready openly gay at my school and at home, but I hadn’t told my handball team. Why? because I was scared that they maybe would pick on me. Or won’t accept me. I did shower with those girls what if they thought that I was watching them? That is why I waited that long to tell them. But then I told meself, Nathasja I know this team for so long they have Always support you so shy not now?

So one day the time came. We had a really messed up game. We lost the game. But there was so much going, people were angry at eachother. It was a pretty weird game. So in the dressinggroomwe talked about it. People still were very angry and sad. So we talked all out, and when everybody was okay again and when they were laughing again. I said:

”Now we are sitting here all together all ready, I would like to tell something”

And I saw everybody look at me, I was nervous but I knew this was the right moment to share things, it was the right moment for me to come out and tell the team that I was gay.
I heard someone say : ”You are not going to say that you leave the team right? because we need you!”
I laughed and said:”no, this is someting personal.
I took a deep breath and said:

”I like girls , I am gay, and I hope you will still accept me in your team”

I saw people look and it became quiet for a moment , ”is that all!” somebody said, ofcourse we will accept you, you are our goally and will allways get accepted. People smiled at me and some people stood up to give me a hug. It was so great to let them know. Because it was a big secret I had for them and now I could finally be myself!

Handball was a big part of my life , and it will Always have a place in my heart. I love the game, the team, to be part of something. It is nice to have a team who accepts you for who you are.

And today , I have enjoyed that little moment again. And that makes me so happy!

Foto door Annie Tsung op Pexels.com