Questions.

I have so many questions. Questions about you. Questions about us. Questions about you with her. I will never get the answers to these questions. I can ask you but it hurts too much.

Since that night. Since I saw you with her I knew everything was going to be different. I broke…I have never felt so much pain before. I saw you looking at me, I will never forget the look you gave me. I saw in your eyes that you wouldn’t want this the happen. But it happened. It was okay for you to do it. But I hoped you were honest about it. So I didn’t need to betray you.

You did not cheat. We were not a couple. But I loved you. I still love you. After all, this fucked up things we are still best friends.

Yet, I think about all the times you hurt me. It is okay. I need to progress it. I forgive you. You know. You are still my best friend.

Still, I have those questions. It hurts to see her. It hurts to think about you and her. It hurts to not have you here with me. Why did you do it? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie? Why her and not me?!

I will never get the answers to these questions. But I can answer it myself. You protected me. The answer to these questions is:

You didn’t want to see me hurt.

But still you hurted me. But I forgive you!

And I still love you.

I don’t want to be in love with you.

Being in love feels good. It is wonderful to be in love and it feels so good when I’m with you. It is the greatest feeling I have ever felt. But still, I don’t want to feel it for you.

You don’t love me back. You don’t see me as I see you. You don’t care about me as I do for you. You don’t want to spend time with me like I want to be with you every minute of the day. You don’t think about me as I think about you. You don’t lay awake in the night thinking about me. Like I do because of you.

You don’t need me as I need you.

You don’t love me and I can’t make you fall in love with me.

You can’t choose the person you fall in love with but if I could I would not choose to love you. It would make things so easier for us. It wouldn’t hurt that much to not have you. I would be alright. And we could have an easy friendship.

Now I’m trying every day to let you go. Try to move on. When you are gone for a while I tell myself this is the moment to let you go. Get over you. I will miss you and from the moment I will see you again I will fall so hard for you again.

I will do anything for you.

But the only thing I want is to get over you. I don’t want to love you

but still, I do

All about you

A lot of my stroys are about you. In this way, I can speak to you. I write down all my feelings the feelings I can’t explain to you.

We joked about it. In a text you asked me one day. “have you ever wrote a love story about me?” I tried to change the subject. But why? This was the time to tell you about the things I wrote.

So I did. I send you a love story. A love story about you.

I was terrified when you read it. I patiently waited for your reaction. And once you did my heart skipped a beat.

“It is beautiful,” you said. Do you have more? I want to read more. Is this all the truth? Is this how you really feel? Yes, I said. All that I write is about you.

You don’t love me. And that’s okay. But now I know you understand my feelings. You know why I can react unusual or angry or sad. You understand because you have read it.

And I’m so happy I opened up about it to you.

Because it makes things so much easier to talk about.

Because all I write is about you. And I will still write about you

Why do we act like this?

Do you know how that moment changed everything for me? For us? It is not the same anymore since we share that kiss. Don’t get me wrong I liked it.

No, I loved it. And I loved that it was not or only kiss not or only moment together. Because we did more it’s like we are together but we are not.

I like you but I don’t know if you like me. The one moment I think. “Yes, she does” but then I hear you speak about him. And I break every time you say his name.

Why do we act like this? I asked you the last time you came over after, you kissed me again. You smiled and said. “Because I like it and it is nice”

But it is more than nice to me. Why do you act like you like me when we sit together. We sit so close to each other. And I don’t like it when those moments come to an end.

Why do we act like a couple when you don’t want it? Or do you want to be a couple? I want it. That’s for sure.

We act so differently but still, it feels so good to have those moments with you. Our little secret. But it drives me crazy. To not know what you feel.

Maybe I know the answer already. Maybe I don’t want to know it. But what if you do like me. Please be honest one day.

Or do I need to be honest? I’m scared. Are you scared too?

Scared for what this is between us?

Is that why we act like this?

What do you think?

What do you think about me?

I know what I think about you. You are beautiful and you are special, you are kind.

What do you think when you see me? Do you also get those happy feelings?

What do you think when you smile at me?

I smile at you for a reason because I love you. And I hope you will see that you make me smile. That smile is for you. A smile because I like you.

What do you think when we touch? Or kiss or talk or just sit next to each other?

I don’t know what you think. All I know is my own feelings. My feelings for you are real. But do you think the same?

The moments we kiss. Are one of the best moments. I don’t want it to stop. The feelings of your hands against me. That moment before the kiss. You staring at me. I look into your beautiful eyes and all I think is you are so beautiful.

That little smile you give me when we look at each other in the eyes. I feel your lips against mine. And I feel your warmth.

I love it. I don’t want this to stop. Because I don’t know what you will think.

All I can think is when well be our next kiss? When will be our next touch? When will you smile at me again?

Do you think about me when you can’t sleep? I do, but do you?

I will never know what you think.

But I hope someday you will tell me what you think about me.

Our beautiful little secret

We have a secret. We keep that secret together. Mostly secrets are bad but not this one. No, this secret is beautiful.

I always had a little crush on you but I didn’t know better that you were straight. You only liked boys.

You always found me at parties. We would dance and make fun. We laughed and flirt a little bit. You would hug me and touch me a little. I didn’t mind. It was fun.

But that one night everything changed it was just the right moment. You told me you wanted to kiss me. And I saw it in your eyes. You didn’t just want to kiss me. You wanted me. And I wanted you. It was just you and me.

We kissed and it was our beautiful little secret. It was special for you I felt it. And it was special to me.

I thought it was just for once. But you prove me wrong. The next party you found me again and we kissed again when we were alone. Again our beautiful little secret. I felt your body to mine when I took you to bed it was special and again our beautiful little secret. That nobody needs to know.

Just you and I.

We kissed more often and you would touch me more often.We become closer and closer. It feels so real when we are together. I love it. And I want to do it all over again and again.

This is our beautiful little secret.

But I wish it wasn’t a secret. I wish I can call you mine and tell you that I like you. That I want you.

And that is my beautiful little secret.

Why does it hurt so much?

I sit here and I have you on the phone. Something is wrong, you are sad I hear your voice break over and over again when you speak to me.

You said you wanted to tell me something but you can’t. You don’t want to hurt me… We have been here before. You said the same words to me. You can’t tell me. And you leave me wondering what is wrong.

Not this time. This time you said that you will explain everything to me and you did…

I listen to you and I hear you say… “We kissed.. ” “not once but a few times” “and we have slept with each other one time”

I hear the words in my head “we kissed” “we kissed” “we kissed” and all went black. It hurts it really hurts…it felt like everything in my life wasn’t real for a moment.

I know you have never loved me back. We were just friends but you knew I loved you. That is why you didn’t want to tell me this. But you also knew that I already knew about you and her.

It all makes sense now. All those times I saw you with her. That little touch you give her, that smile you give her, the flirty comments you give her. I wished you did that with me but you never loved me back. You already told me. And I knew…

I knew this would happen. But why does it hurt so much?

I have you on the phone. And I tell you that everything is going to be alright. But she doesn’t know that I have never been so hurt in my life.

I want to move on

I want to I really want to move on. Because you don’t love me. And you will never do. That is what you said to me when I was on my weakest.

I thought this will be the moment the moment I can forget you and be happy with someone else. But it turns out that she is also just trying to move on. And she failed just like me. She didn’t choose me. Just like you didn’t choose me. I failed to move on. And there you are again. I can’t move because you are in my head again.

I tried to date someone else. But it is not fair. When you try to love someone but want to be with you.

I can’t make myself fall in love with someone else. I can’t make you love me. Even when that is the only thing I want.

They all say you are so kind, you are so sweet. But that is all I will ever hear. Even from you. But is that true?

I try to move on. I really do. But it doesn’t help me if you don’t want me to. It seems like you miss me. It looks like you want me. But the truth is you don’t want me. You only miss the attention. And it stops me from moving on.

Thinking about being with you

Being with you is all I want, but at this moment I can’t.

You know how I feel.

And I don’t even know if you want to be with me. Because you always give me those mixed signals.

Every time when I feel down or sad I start thinking about you. I will feel happy and calm again. Just the thought of talking with you or being with you lets me feel okay again.

When I go to sleep I hope that I will dream about you. Those dreams are the best dreams.

I miss you more and more when you aren’t here but just a few days and I will see you again. I can’t wait.

Just a few days left. We text and text. You are on my mind all the time. Do you have that too? I hope so.

I think about the things you always do and it even let me want you more.

I miss you but I will meet you soon.

Just let me think about being with you for a few more days.

I can’t wait to see your smile again.

Dream

Last night I dreamed about you. It was not like the other dreams I always have about you. This one was different. This one really stays on my mind.

We were sitting in the grass. I was leaning against you with your arms around me. It felt safe. I felt loved. I was happy. The sun was shining and I looked at you. You smiled at me. You seemed happy. I felt your warmth and I didn’t want it to end.

But it did. I woke up.

Now I think about it all day. That dream was so pure it felt so real. That dream is what I want to happen. That dream is all I want. I want you. I want to feel that moment. SoI don’t have to dream about it anymore. I don’t have to be afraid to wake up and miss you anymore. I want that dream to be real.

But it will forever be a dream.