Distance

I’m sitting here in a chair, thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you, but these days I think about you a lot more, that is for a reason. I can’t visit you, I can’t touch you, I can’t kiss you and I really miss you…

I’m on a trip for work and you are at home. I know you are struggling with your own demons but so do I. I need you and I love you. I want you here, I want your love, I want your everything. I want you to text me. I want you to say that you miss me, I want you to say “I love you and I need you.

Yet for the last few days, something changed you became distant and you say it is because you need space and time, but why is she there? Why is she sleeping over? And why are you too busy to text me or even just tell me goodnight? Is it because you moved on? Don’t you miss me as I do? Don’t you love me as I love you? Why don’t you let me help you? Why are you not honest with me? And tell me what is going on?

Is she the one who helps you, who takes care of you now I’m gone? I don’t care that she is1 your friend. That is bot a reason the ignore me.. I need you. I need you here, I need your love…

I will see how things will go on. I still love you and you will always be on my mind even when there is a distance between you and me. It hurts but I hope that distance will be gone soon. I hope to see you soon.

All about you

A lot of my stroys are about you. In this way, I can speak to you. I write down all my feelings the feelings I can’t explain to you.

We joked about it. In a text you asked me one day. “have you ever wrote a love story about me?” I tried to change the subject. But why? This was the time to tell you about the things I wrote.

So I did. I send you a love story. A love story about you.

I was terrified when you read it. I patiently waited for your reaction. And once you did my heart skipped a beat.

“It is beautiful,” you said. Do you have more? I want to read more. Is this all the truth? Is this how you really feel? Yes, I said. All that I write is about you.

You don’t love me. And that’s okay. But now I know you understand my feelings. You know why I can react unusual or angry or sad. You understand because you have read it.

And I’m so happy I opened up about it to you.

Because it makes things so much easier to talk about.

Because all I write is about you. And I will still write about you

“Why do you like me?”

We drove at the highway to get dinner. I always love driving with you. The music the fun we make just the two of us. I love these moments. You were already a little drunk. Of course, I was sober because I drove the car. I looked at you and saw you being so happy. I smiled because I always smile at you. You saw me. And asked why I smiled. I told you that I didn’t know. But I knew why I did it because I am in love with you.

You looked at me and all of the sudden you asked me. Why do you like me? I was shocked we never talked about my feelings for you because you don’t feel the same. I saw that you regretted what you asked. And you said that you were sorry.

I told you not to be sorry and that it is okay. I answered:

I like you so much because you are yourself. And I’m so sad that you don’t notice that you are so beautiful, nice, sweet and funny. That is what I told you. But words can’t explain why I like you so much.

I know it’s hard when you have a friendship like this. The feelings will stay. But lucky we have found a way to still be good friends. And little talks like this makes it even better to deal with it. And it will make our friendship stronger. Even when I still love you…

Our beautiful little secret

We have a secret. We keep that secret together. Mostly secrets are bad but not this one. No, this secret is beautiful.

I always had a little crush on you but I didn’t know better that you were straight. You only liked boys.

You always found me at parties. We would dance and make fun. We laughed and flirt a little bit. You would hug me and touch me a little. I didn’t mind. It was fun.

But that one night everything changed it was just the right moment. You told me you wanted to kiss me. And I saw it in your eyes. You didn’t just want to kiss me. You wanted me. And I wanted you. It was just you and me.

We kissed and it was our beautiful little secret. It was special for you I felt it. And it was special to me.

I thought it was just for once. But you prove me wrong. The next party you found me again and we kissed again when we were alone. Again our beautiful little secret. I felt your body to mine when I took you to bed it was special and again our beautiful little secret. That nobody needs to know.

Just you and I.

We kissed more often and you would touch me more often.We become closer and closer. It feels so real when we are together. I love it. And I want to do it all over again and again.

This is our beautiful little secret.

But I wish it wasn’t a secret. I wish I can call you mine and tell you that I like you. That I want you.

And that is my beautiful little secret.

Why does it hurt so much?

I sit here and I have you on the phone. Something is wrong, you are sad I hear your voice break over and over again when you speak to me.

You said you wanted to tell me something but you can’t. You don’t want to hurt me… We have been here before. You said the same words to me. You can’t tell me. And you leave me wondering what is wrong.

Not this time. This time you said that you will explain everything to me and you did…

I listen to you and I hear you say… “We kissed.. ” “not once but a few times” “and we have slept with each other one time”

I hear the words in my head “we kissed” “we kissed” “we kissed” and all went black. It hurts it really hurts…it felt like everything in my life wasn’t real for a moment.

I know you have never loved me back. We were just friends but you knew I loved you. That is why you didn’t want to tell me this. But you also knew that I already knew about you and her.

It all makes sense now. All those times I saw you with her. That little touch you give her, that smile you give her, the flirty comments you give her. I wished you did that with me but you never loved me back. You already told me. And I knew…

I knew this would happen. But why does it hurt so much?

I have you on the phone. And I tell you that everything is going to be alright. But she doesn’t know that I have never been so hurt in my life.

Too scared to fail

As I may have told you all before I have performance anxiety.

This week it is worse than other times. I make long and hard days at work because we are on exercise in Germany. We must do everything right otherwise the exercise will not be a success. So you understand that it can be hard for someone with performance anxiety.

It is even getting so bad that when someone tells me that I did something wrong that I feel the tears coming and that feeling is so fucking fucked up. It really hurts. It makes me angry at myself at others, frustrated and scared to just do my job. I get nervous and I don’t know what to say. When I think about the mistake again I almost start to cry.

Other people already have forgotten the mistake but I will remember it all day and maybe the whole week.

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to have these feelings. But how harder I try. How harder the feelings will hit me.

Just leave me and let me do my job.

I work hard and I do my best. Making mistakes is a part of life. That is what I tell myself.

I think I just need to hear it from others but they are busy too. They need to make sure they don’t mess it up.

I try to tell myself that I just need to do what I can and enjoy it. And don’t get me wrong this is a great job. We have must fun and I have a great time.

But the anxiety is so fucking frustrating.

And I have the feeling nobody gets it. Nobody understands why I shut down when someone tells me about that mistake. I wish I could defend myself I wish I could explain myself. But I can’t because I know that I will get stressed and emotional.

But it will get better. I will learn to deal with it and when I find a way I will share it with you.

Jealous

I’m a jealous person, I don’t want to be a jealous person but I am.
I hate the feeling of jealousy and I wish it didn’t exist. That feeling of not being wanted, that feeling of being angry at the other person, you suddenly hate that person, but why? Because you are jealous because she is having fun with the girl you love. Because she is not having fun with you at the moment? I hate that feeling. It is jealousy that makes me look bad.

I’m jealous when I hear you say something about her that I didn’t knew, why did she told you that and not me? I’m jealous when I know that you are with your girlfriend, I want to be with you. It makes me sick. I’m jealous at party’s when you don’t play beer-pong with me. I am jealous about all the little things.

Jealousy makes relationships damaged. Did you cheat on me? Why are you talking to her? Do you like her? I saw you looking at her! That is the jealousy speaking and it makes us look so stupid and awful. You can be the nicest person in the world but when you are jealous will it makes you look so evil.

It is wrong that I am jealous if it is about you. You can have fun without me, you are allowed to see other people, you can speak to her, you can date with her. you can do what you want. It has nothing to do with me because you are not with me.

And I am jealous about that.

Do you get the feeling?

Do you get that feeling that you want a person so bad that it hurts? Like you don’t know how to act around that person. You want to speak to her but you don’t know what to say. That is fucked up.

When you talk to her you want it to never end. And feel sad when she tells you that she needs to leave. That empty feeling she leaves you with when she is gone.

Also, that happy feeling when she texts you. That little text makes you feel wanted and loved. But it makes you sad when you have no text of her. And want to text her but don’t want to annoy her.

When you see her walk you wonder what’s on her mind. And when you can’t find her you look where she went. You want to do things together even if it is nothing special. Just being with her is enough.

That moment when you haven’t seen her for a while and get all nervous when you see her again. Or you just get nervous when she sit next to you. The little butterflies she gives you at any moment of the day. And leaves you sleepless because she haunts through your mind.

That moment when she looks at you and makes a sweet comment. That warm feeling. Just seeing her will make your day.

Do you know the feeling of being in love?

The biggest question I asked myself

Am I gay?

Foto door Lisa Fotios op Pexels.com

That is the question a lot people ask themself one day but for me it was not just a question anymore is was a development.

I was around 12/13 years old , I sat in the second class of high school (Netherlands school system) and I became friends with a girl , we became really good friends. But I wondered why I liked her so much. I wanted to be around her all the time and when she was not around I got sad. Ofcourse that is why you are friends right? But is it only friendship or was it more? That is what I asked myself all the time when I was with her.

Me gay?That was not possible. I had been in love with boys, right? Or was it just me telling meself that I was? Was it love or was it just because people told me”that boy is cute” or ”that boy seems to like you”. I was just acting like everyone was , I was acting straight and I liked boys…

But my feelings for this girl got stronger with the day, I told myself ”neh you are not gay you just admire her a lot” ”but isn’t that not something for famous people like: Kristen Steward or Emma Watson. Thoose I really admire.” ”So what they are female but im not gay? Right?”

Or am I ?
This thoughts were going on for a while, and finally I accepted that is was love what I felt for this girl, but only for her right? I was still in dinail that I was possible gay. I was only in love with this girl and I will not fall in love with other girls.

But when I walked to the hallways on school a caught myself staring at other girls. Also on tv in the city everywere. And then I knew it after a good talk with myself.

I AM GAY!

It took a while for me to accept the fact that I was gay, but I was. I couldn’t change that fact. This is me. Now I am really proud. I have not always been that proud , I have hide it in the beginning but after I told my best friend. I felt safe to be openly gay.

Foto door Rosemary Ketchum op Pexels.com

What you don’t know

What you don’t know is that I feel sad and alone sometimes.
What you don’t know is that I cry about you
that I care about you.
What you don’t know is that I feel empty when I try to sleep.
I dream about you,
I miss you.
I’m scared about my future I don’t know what I want to be
and who I want to be.
I smile and be happy,
but what you don’t know is that I not always feel happy.
Somedays I have my down days and then I need you the most,
but you can’t be there for me every time, then I feel lonely again.
I need to do things on my own but what if I can’t do it?
I’m not depressed, I just struggle. I struggle with myself.
Everybody does right?
What you don’t know is that I struggle because of you.
I’m happy when I’m with you, but what you don’t know is that I hate it when you are gone.
What you don’t know is that I write about you.
What would you do if you read this?
I don’t want to think about that.
There is so much I want to tell and want to write but all the words I put down only will say:

I love you.
That is one thing you do know.