When we first met

Our first meeting was not perfect but we will always remember it.

I already knew who you was, I had seen you before when I walked with my dogs sometimes you walked past by sometimes you said “hi” sometimes you were to busy with listening to music. You always wear your headphones, when you are walking alone. It makes you a little bit mysterious and I already liked that about you, even when you didn’t know me

Someday we matched together on a dating app. I didn’t send a text because I was shy. And you worked at the local supermarket so I got anxious that you would judge me. But now I know that I was stupid thinking like that.

A few days went by. I even saw you at your work we only said hi. I wondered if you knew that we were a match.

Then someday you messaged me. And we talked and talked. You wanted to meet. But I was scared. You pushed me and pushed. I took a deep breath and put on my jacket, there I was standing on the corner waiting for you. You told me over text that you had a few drinks but that you were coming my way with your little sister. And there you were. I saw your smile and suddenly that mysterious girl I always saw was cute, drunk and a little shy. We talked about a few things and it was fun.

When we said goodbye you told me that you would text me again and you did. You told me that you were on your way home and that you wanted to see me again. You also said “sorry I had a little too much to drink” I laughed and I put on my jacket again to walk to the corner. There you were again. And I saw your smile we talked and flirted a little bit, I like it. It was fun and I felt your warmth. I walked you home because you were a little bit too drunk. At your home, we kissed. You asked me to stay over but I left because I thought it would not be that smart because you were drunk. I wanted to but there would come a next time a better time.

Next time was better.

Now we both love each other and it all started with that one night. And I always smile and think about that one night when I walk past our corner,when I’m going to your house. The corner where we first met.

I love you girl!

Distance

I’m sitting here in a chair, thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you, but these days I think about you a lot more, that is for a reason. I can’t visit you, I can’t touch you, I can’t kiss you and I really miss you…

I’m on a trip for work and you are at home. I know you are struggling with your own demons but so do I. I need you and I love you. I want you here, I want your love, I want your everything. I want you to text me. I want you to say that you miss me, I want you to say “I love you and I need you.

Yet for the last few days, something changed you became distant and you say it is because you need space and time, but why is she there? Why is she sleeping over? And why are you too busy to text me or even just tell me goodnight? Is it because you moved on? Don’t you miss me as I do? Don’t you love me as I love you? Why don’t you let me help you? Why are you not honest with me? And tell me what is going on?

Is she the one who helps you, who takes care of you now I’m gone? I don’t care that she is1 your friend. That is bot a reason the ignore me.. I need you. I need you here, I need your love…

I will see how things will go on. I still love you and you will always be on my mind even when there is a distance between you and me. It hurts but I hope that distance will be gone soon. I hope to see you soon.

We are normal (homophobic comment)

I have found love for the first time. She is my first girlfriend. It all new for me and that is alright I need to learn how to love. I need to learn how it feels to be loved. But I love it. I love everything.

Also new for me is to be together out in public with her. We are both girls and for some people, this still can be an issue and that makes me sad but it’s the truth. In fact, I have experienced some homophobic comments for the first time in my life this weekend…

My girlfriend and I like to swim and of course, sometimes you get a little touchy because the two of you are in love. I always pay attention that it doesn’t become that sticky. We just hug we just give little kisses just like the straight people do. We just act like straight people do when they are in love. Im aware that people will stare I get used to it. It doesn’t matter when she’s with me I feel loved.

Things changed when we stood in line for the waterslide. My girlfriend and I were talking. I had my arm around her. She said something cute so I give her a little kiss. Suddenly I heard a man behind us “can we just act normal ” with an angry strict voice. I looked behind me. At first, I thought it was not about us. Until I saw the eyes of the man cross mine. He looked at us full of hate.

I can’t explain what I felt then so many mixed emotions went through my body… I went from angry to very emotional I wanted to confront him I wanted to run but most of all I felt sad and felt the tears fill up my eyes. I stood there and looked at him with tears in my eyes I, wanted him to know that he had hurt me. But he just continued to look me straight in the eye with anger.

My girlfriend talked to me. “Just ignore him, he is not worth it, let him be” She has experienced homophobic comments before so you can say she is “used” to it. I kept my arm around her. I heard the man say ” they are not listening, they are just not listening” he was talking to his children or at least I think they were. And all I can think of is. Why did he jell at us? Why? Nobody had a problem. We did nothing wrong. Why didn’t he just looked away and mind his own business? What if his daughter turned out to be gay what would he say then? It’s so sad…

Luckily we got out of this situation but I couldn’t enjoy myself anymore. Everywhere we swam I looked for him. Afraid that he would yell at us again. So my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to leave. And yes I wanted. He had ruined our swimming trip and it is sad that it had happened…

Luckily we sit had a good time when we left the swimming pool. So our day wasn’t completely ruined.

I got so emotional. And this was just words. I can’t imagine that people need to deal with a lot worse homophobic comments or even violence… it just so sad.

We acted normally. The only person who didn’t act normal was him. And I need to learn how to deal with those people so they can’t hurt me again.

Questions.

I have so many questions. Questions about you. Questions about us. Questions about you with her. I will never get the answers to these questions. I can ask you but it hurts too much.

Since that night. Since I saw you with her I knew everything was going to be different. I broke…I have never felt so much pain before. I saw you looking at me, I will never forget the look you gave me. I saw in your eyes that you wouldn’t want this the happen. But it happened. It was okay for you to do it. But I hoped you were honest about it. So I didn’t need to betray you.

You did not cheat. We were not a couple. But I loved you. I still love you. After all, this fucked up things we are still best friends.

Yet, I think about all the times you hurt me. It is okay. I need to progress it. I forgive you. You know. You are still my best friend.

Still, I have those questions. It hurts to see her. It hurts to think about you and her. It hurts to not have you here with me. Why did you do it? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie? Why her and not me?!

I will never get the answers to these questions. But I can answer it myself. You protected me. The answer to these questions is:

You didn’t want to see me hurt.

But still you hurted me. But I forgive you!

And I still love you.

I don’t want to be in love with you.

Being in love feels good. It is wonderful to be in love and it feels so good when I’m with you. It is the greatest feeling I have ever felt. But still, I don’t want to feel it for you.

You don’t love me back. You don’t see me as I see you. You don’t care about me as I do for you. You don’t want to spend time with me like I want to be with you every minute of the day. You don’t think about me as I think about you. You don’t lay awake in the night thinking about me. Like I do because of you.

You don’t need me as I need you.

You don’t love me and I can’t make you fall in love with me.

You can’t choose the person you fall in love with but if I could I would not choose to love you. It would make things so easier for us. It wouldn’t hurt that much to not have you. I would be alright. And we could have an easy friendship.

Now I’m trying every day to let you go. Try to move on. When you are gone for a while I tell myself this is the moment to let you go. Get over you. I will miss you and from the moment I will see you again I will fall so hard for you again.

I will do anything for you.

But the only thing I want is to get over you. I don’t want to love you

but still, I do

Missing you is something I don’t want to.

It’s been a while since I saw you. The last time when I saw your face was not the best time. I saw the pain in your eyes or at least I hope it was pain.. because all I felt was pain. The pain of knowing that I will be going to miss you. The pain of realizing that you will be gone for a while.

I hate to miss you, I don’t want to miss you. I want you here with me. I need you… even when it is not the best thing to want.

I walk around looking for you. But you are not here. You have left this place and left me. It is okay you needed to move on. It was for the best. Even for me… a new start a new story for you and for me but I will miss our story. Our story became so important to me. Our story has come to an end but it is okay even when I will miss it so much. It is for the better.

However, I miss you every day. I betray myself that I mention to you when I talk with people. I feel happy when I mention you. Just keep the memories of you alive. It is just like you are here with me when I talk about you.

But you are not..

You have your own life again. We have been through so much together. Our story has ended. For now. And all I do is missing you even when I don’t want to.

I realize we will see each other again. Al I can think of is that I will go to miss you every time you will walk away. Something I don’t want to.

Drunk love

It’s been going on for a little while now. Every time when we get out for a drink we get drunk and we kiss. Or we do more. But only when we are drunk. Why? Because it is drunk love?

Not for me. It is more than drunk love. I start to get real feelings for you.

I see you. You see me. I try to get close to you. We have that little moment. We touch, we get closer, we kiss, we love, we feel, we are one. But also the alcohol is a part of that situation.

You only act like this when you are drunk. Are you scared when you are sober? I’m not? But I’m waiting for you. Because I don’t know what to do.

I know it is scary to admit our feelings for each other. We don’t want to mess things up. At least I don’t want this to end.

I wish we could do it without alcohol. Will that time come one day?

Or will we forever be drunk in love?

Why do we act like this?

Do you know how that moment changed everything for me? For us? It is not the same anymore since we share that kiss. Don’t get me wrong I liked it.

No, I loved it. And I loved that it was not or only kiss not or only moment together. Because we did more it’s like we are together but we are not.

I like you but I don’t know if you like me. The one moment I think. “Yes, she does” but then I hear you speak about him. And I break every time you say his name.

Why do we act like this? I asked you the last time you came over after, you kissed me again. You smiled and said. “Because I like it and it is nice”

But it is more than nice to me. Why do you act like you like me when we sit together. We sit so close to each other. And I don’t like it when those moments come to an end.

Why do we act like a couple when you don’t want it? Or do you want to be a couple? I want it. That’s for sure.

We act so differently but still, it feels so good to have those moments with you. Our little secret. But it drives me crazy. To not know what you feel.

Maybe I know the answer already. Maybe I don’t want to know it. But what if you do like me. Please be honest one day.

Or do I need to be honest? I’m scared. Are you scared too?

Scared for what this is between us?

Is that why we act like this?

Mixed feelings

You left me with these mixed feelings. I see that you were having a hard time. And I asked, “what was wrong?”

And what I then heard changed everything. You didn’t cheat on me. Because that isn’t possible but you did betray my feelings. You know I’m in love with you. And you know that she is a good friend of mine. It hurt do you understand? You will I know…

I can’t be angry with you I can’t be angry with her. Why? Because you did nothing wrong. You two like each other and that is okay. But I’m the one with the broken heart. I need some time but I will still be there for the two of you.

You know that I care about you. And I will not leave you you are still my friend and will be. I’m not angry. I was a little bit but you don’t deserve that.

You did nothing wrong.

And you know that. I know that. But I have these mixed feelings about this situation. I will get over you one day and maybe this helps. You told me the truth and I am happy with it but still, I’m a little bit sad.

I still like you.

But this makes our friendship stronger. You know it. I know it.

I am happy that there are no more secrets. But still, I will have these mixed feelings when I see you again.

“Why do you like me?”

We drove at the highway to get dinner. I always love driving with you. The music the fun we make just the two of us. I love these moments. You were already a little drunk. Of course, I was sober because I drove the car. I looked at you and saw you being so happy. I smiled because I always smile at you. You saw me. And asked why I smiled. I told you that I didn’t know. But I knew why I did it because I am in love with you.

You looked at me and all of the sudden you asked me. Why do you like me? I was shocked we never talked about my feelings for you because you don’t feel the same. I saw that you regretted what you asked. And you said that you were sorry.

I told you not to be sorry and that it is okay. I answered:

I like you so much because you are yourself. And I’m so sad that you don’t notice that you are so beautiful, nice, sweet and funny. That is what I told you. But words can’t explain why I like you so much.

I know it’s hard when you have a friendship like this. The feelings will stay. But lucky we have found a way to still be good friends. And little talks like this makes it even better to deal with it. And it will make our friendship stronger. Even when I still love you…