Our first meeting was not perfect but we will always remember it.
I already knew who you was, I had seen you before when I walked with my dogs sometimes you walked past by sometimes you said “hi” sometimes you were to busy with listening to music. You always wear your headphones, when you are walking alone. It makes you a little bit mysterious and I already liked that about you, even when you didn’t know me
Someday we matched together on a dating app. I didn’t send a text because I was shy. And you worked at the local supermarket so I got anxious that you would judge me. But now I know that I was stupid thinking like that.
A few days went by. I even saw you at your work we only said hi. I wondered if you knew that we were a match.
Then someday you messaged me. And we talked and talked. You wanted to meet. But I was scared. You pushed me and pushed. I took a deep breath and put on my jacket, there I was standing on the corner waiting for you. You told me over text that you had a few drinks but that you were coming my way with your little sister. And there you were. I saw your smile and suddenly that mysterious girl I always saw was cute, drunk and a little shy. We talked about a few things and it was fun.
When we said goodbye you told me that you would text me again and you did. You told me that you were on your way home and that you wanted to see me again. You also said “sorry I had a little too much to drink” I laughed and I put on my jacket again to walk to the corner. There you were again. And I saw your smile we talked and flirted a little bit, I like it. It was fun and I felt your warmth. I walked you home because you were a little bit too drunk. At your home, we kissed. You asked me to stay over but I left because I thought it would not be that smart because you were drunk. I wanted to but there would come a next time a better time.
Next time was better.
Now we both love each other and it all started with that one night. And I always smile and think about that one night when I walk past our corner,when I’m going to your house. The corner where we first met.
I have so many questions. Questions about you. Questions about us. Questions about you with her. I will never get the answers to these questions. I can ask you but it hurts too much.
Since that night. Since I saw you with her I knew everything was going to be different. I broke…I have never felt so much pain before. I saw you looking at me, I will never forget the look you gave me. I saw in your eyes that you wouldn’t want this the happen. But it happened. It was okay for you to do it. But I hoped you were honest about it. So I didn’t need to betray you.
You did not cheat. We were not a couple. But I loved you. I still love you. After all, this fucked up things we are still best friends.
Yet, I think about all the times you hurt me. It is okay. I need to progress it. I forgive you. You know. You are still my best friend.
Still, I have those questions. It hurts to see her. It hurts to think about you and her. It hurts to not have you here with me. Why did you do it? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie? Why her and not me?!
I will never get the answers to these questions. But I can answer it myself. You protected me. The answer to these questions is:
Being in love feels good. It is wonderful to be in love and it feels so good when I’m with you. It is the greatest feeling I have ever felt. But still, I don’t want to feel it for you.
You don’t love me back. You don’t see me as I see you. You don’t care about me as I do for you. You don’t want to spend time with me like I want to be with you every minute of the day. You don’t think about me as I think about you. You don’t lay awake in the night thinking about me. Like I do because of you.
You don’t need me as I need you.
You don’t love me and I can’t make you fall in love with me.
You can’t choose the person you fall in love with but if I could I would not choose to love you. It would make things so easier for us. It wouldn’t hurt that much to not have you. I would be alright. And we could have an easy friendship.
Now I’m trying every day to let you go. Try to move on. When you are gone for a while I tell myself this is the moment to let you go. Get over you. I will miss you and from the moment I will see you again I will fall so hard for you again.
I will do anything for you.
But the only thing I want is to get over you. I don’t want to love you
It’s been a while since I saw you. The last time when I saw your face was not the best time. I saw the pain in your eyes or at least I hope it was pain.. because all I felt was pain. The pain of knowing that I will be going to miss you. The pain of realizing that you will be gone for a while.
I hate to miss you, I don’t want to miss you. I want you here with me. I need you… even when it is not the best thing to want.
I walk around looking for you. But you are not here. You have left this place and left me. It is okay you needed to move on. It was for the best. Even for me… a new start a new story for you and for me but I will miss our story. Our story became so important to me. Our story has come to an end but it is okay even when I will miss it so much. It is for the better.
However, I miss you every day. I betray myself that I mention to you when I talk with people. I feel happy when I mention you. Just keep the memories of you alive. It is just like you are here with me when I talk about you.
But you are not..
You have your own life again. We have been through so much together. Our story has ended. For now. And all I do is missing you even when I don’t want to.
I realize we will see each other again. Al I can think of is that I will go to miss you every time you will walk away. Something I don’t want to.
You left me with these mixed feelings. I see that you were having a hard time. And I asked, “what was wrong?”
And what I then heard changed everything. You didn’t cheat on me. Because that isn’t possible but you did betray my feelings. You know I’m in love with you. And you know that she is a good friend of mine. It hurt do you understand? You will I know…
I can’t be angry with you I can’t be angry with her. Why? Because you did nothing wrong. You two like each other and that is okay. But I’m the one with the broken heart. I need some time but I will still be there for the two of you.
You know that I care about you. And I will not leave you you are still my friend and will be. I’m not angry. I was a little bit but you don’t deserve that.
You did nothing wrong.
And you know that. I know that. But I have these mixed feelings about this situation. I will get over you one day and maybe this helps. You told me the truth and I am happy with it but still, I’m a little bit sad.
I still like you.
But this makes our friendship stronger. You know it. I know it.
I am happy that there are no more secrets. But still, I will have these mixed feelings when I see you again.
I know what I think about you. You are beautiful and you are special, you are kind.
What do you think when you see me? Do you also get those happy feelings?
What do you think when you smile at me?
I smile at you for a reason because I love you. And I hope you will see that you make me smile. That smile is for you. A smile because I like you.
What do you think when we touch? Or kiss or talk or just sit next to each other?
I don’t know what you think. All I know is my own feelings. My feelings for you are real. But do you think the same?
The moments we kiss. Are one of the best moments. I don’t want it to stop. The feelings of your hands against me. That moment before the kiss. You staring at me. I look into your beautiful eyes and all I think is you are so beautiful.
That little smile you give me when we look at each other in the eyes. I feel your lips against mine. And I feel your warmth.
I love it. I don’t want this to stop. Because I don’t know what you will think.
All I can think is when well be our next kiss? When will be our next touch? When will you smile at me again?
Do you think about me when you can’t sleep? I do, but do you?
I will never know what you think.
But I hope someday you will tell me what you think about me.
We have a secret. We keep that secret together. Mostly secrets are bad but not this one. No, this secret is beautiful.
I always had a little crush on you but I didn’t know better that you were straight. You only liked boys.
You always found me at parties. We would dance and make fun. We laughed and flirt a little bit. You would hug me and touch me a little. I didn’t mind. It was fun.
But that one night everything changed it was just the right moment. You told me you wanted to kiss me. And I saw it in your eyes. You didn’t just want to kiss me. You wanted me. And I wanted you. It was just you and me.
We kissed and it was our beautiful little secret. It was special for you I felt it. And it was special to me.
I thought it was just for once. But you prove me wrong. The next party you found me again and we kissed again when we were alone. Again our beautiful little secret. I felt your body to mine when I took you to bed it was special and again our beautiful little secret. That nobody needs to know.
Just you and I.
We kissed more often and you would touch me more often.We become closer and closer. It feels so real when we are together. I love it. And I want to do it all over again and again.
This is our beautiful little secret.
But I wish it wasn’t a secret. I wish I can call you mine and tell you that I like you. That I want you.
I sit here and I have you on the phone. Something is wrong, you are sad I hear your voice break over and over again when you speak to me.
You said you wanted to tell me something but you can’t. You don’t want to hurt me… We have been here before. You said the same words to me. You can’t tell me. And you leave me wondering what is wrong.
Not this time. This time you said that you will explain everything to me and you did…
I listen to you and I hear you say… “We kissed.. ” “not once but a few times” “and we have slept with each other one time”
I hear the words in my head “we kissed” “we kissed” “we kissed” and all went black. It hurts it really hurts…it felt like everything in my life wasn’t real for a moment.
I know you have never loved me back. We were just friends but you knew I loved you. That is why you didn’t want to tell me this. But you also knew that I already knew about you and her.
It all makes sense now. All those times I saw you with her. That little touch you give her, that smile you give her, the flirty comments you give her. I wished you did that with me but you never loved me back. You already told me. And I knew…
I knew this would happen. But why does it hurt so much?
I have you on the phone. And I tell you that everything is going to be alright. But she doesn’t know that I have never been so hurt in my life.